Tamara Kennedy (tamaratalk) wrote in sacrificial,
Tamara Kennedy
tamaratalk
sacrificial

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New friends, old friends...

I guess I've been less than okay.

Spending a lot of time walking alone, and not sleeping... isn't exactly good for me. And I've been drinking a lot more than I should lately, and it's just not helping at all really. It's the memories that get me... and always without warning. Like while I was doing laundry tonight, folding up the socks... and I thought about how we'd thrown them at Ewan once when we were first teaching him about dodging and all that. So I looked away from the socks, thinking it would help... and of course my eyes fall right on my brother Adam's urn on the end table. Yeah, that helped.

So last night, I grabbed my sketchbook and headed out for the 'porch' of our crypt, figuring to sketch in the moonlight. I hadn't gotten more than a few shaky lines in when I heard this music drifting on the air. Kind of a melancholy tune, just how I felt. So I got up and started to follow it...

There was this guy, this punk looking guy, sitting on a raised grave playing a guitar. He turned and pulled a cross on me as I was approaching. Smart guy. So once we established that neither one of us was undead, we started talking. His name is Jimmy - he's that friend of Vance's from high school. The one he used to have a band with. And damn, is he insightful. We sat on the gravestone for a while, talking about things... he knows where I'm coming from, on the loss thing. He said that the first woman he ever loved got sucked into a portal of some sort in New Orleans, few weeks back. But he's still living. That's what he said, we got to keep on going... and that the world is a shitty place, but we've got to keep on fighting or they'll win. Talking to him really made me feel better... we even talked about drinking. He doesn't. I wish I didn't. Well, what can you do? Maybe someday I'll give it up. But one thing at a time. Also talked about miracles... and he seems to believe in them. I really want to believe in them, too. But I don't. Not any more. Maybe life will surprise me.. but I doubt it...

Jimmy had to go after a while, but he said he'd drop back in a few days from now. He's an insomniac like I've become (again) lately, so it all works out. I showed him where our crypt is, and told him he's welcome to drop in whenever.

When I came back in, I sat down on the couch to wait for Spike to come home. He'd gone out earlier that evening, to play Kitten Poker I think. We haven't been connecting well lately, not as well as we used to. I think all this sadness is getting in the way- it's hard to be happy when we're both working on our own issues. I fell asleep watching the telly, and was halfway into one of those damn nightmares when I felt his arms around me, lifting me, holding me close as he carried me to bed. His whispered "I love you, pet" before tucking the covers around me made feel a lot better.

This morning I went to work, same as usual - got through my day alright. When I got home for the day, I gave Vance a call. Time to stop avoiding people... We're going to go out to the Bronze and hang tonight. Though he did have an interesting insight into my problem... "Part of your problem Tamara is you live in a graveyard, so you live, breath, sleep and dream of death...." He's right, so right. He did have good news though... Ewan's gone off to seek a soul in Africa. So he might not be as lost as I'd thought....
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